"Moms in the Military"

Sitting in the dining facility this morning, I was listening to a feature on Headline News about Military Moms as Mother's Day is this Sunday.  They were talking about the growing number of mothers in the military with pictures of them with their children.  My favorite picture was taken by a great photographer in the Seattle area, Shauna Kruse, when I returned home from the last deployment.  Both boys are in my arms and we are enjoying that first hugs after many months apart.

This year has been most unusual as a Mom within the military.  I have only spent five inconsecutive weeks at home for this entire calendar year between a 10 week school in Texas and a field training exercise.  I have had multiple reunion moments that were not as sweet as those above.  When I came home for a weekend during one of those stints, my oldest greater me with "Mom.... it's not March yet, what are you doing home?". Before he would offer a hug.  The nomadic life of a military family means that the abnormal events of an absent parent becomes the norm.  Skype replaces some of those everyday interactions and hugs are sent through the mail in a do-it-yourself assembly kit.  (Yes... I have received one of those this year!)  Good nights are given through pre-recorded dinosaurs and story books read through the USO's United Through Reading program.  That is the best method to stay connected that anyone has ever created.

This week was filled with multiple training events, drawing of gear, and qualification on ranges. Time is spent attempting to fit a mountain of uniforms and equipment into as few duffel bags as possible as you head downrange.  Packing becomes the fine art of Tetris and oral lamentations that you did not have to take as many items as they issue.  The schedule keeps you very busy as you await the opportunity to get ready for the coming year.  It has also meant little time to connect due to bad cell phone signals and distant WiFi connections. Skype conversations take place in very public areas like the PX area as I watch many colleagues do the same with their families tonight.

Even though the new "norm" for this year has been my absence, there is still a moment when life and reality meet to display what I am missing at home.  It is not just the hugs, or the influence, but it is truly the little things.  The ability to persuade a child into doing something he does not want to because personalities match.  Or the chance to help practice speech aspects to reinforce skills.  Parenting takes on a much different aspect through Skype and the distance.  You do not want to scold or have a negative communication to leave the child with throughout the next couple weeks until able to communicate again.... and yet you need to reinforce the fact that was Daddy says must be obeyed.  It is an interesting balance that most individuals have never had to think about or ponder.  Yet.... this is the life and struggle of a Military Mom.

 

Returning for Round Two

The days are passing quickly before I am to return to the same locations (even with the same unit) for a second round in Afghanistan.  The "dwell" time has passed so quickly with a move to new locations, new jobs, and boys starting school.  This does not mention the numerous business trips designed to teach new skills and ensure successful mission completion.
 
With only a few days to go, I can remember those dreaded feelings last time and tearful conversations with boys who could not grasp the concept of Mom being gone.  A three year old and 13 month old could not easily grasp the concept, nor could I easily understand the monumental shift my life would take during the last tour.  My three year old is almost six, and my 13 month old is now three.  They have experienced longer stretches of my absence within this last year and are verbalizing that they will miss me "when [I] have to go away, again."  Our rubber ducky transitional objects from the last deployment have turned into characters from Doc McStuffins.  Of course, Mom gets the white fluffy lamb to take with me to a very dirty environment because "She looks like you!  She's wearing pink!" Dinosaurs are present to provide comfort, company, and the ability for monster chasing thanks to a spontaneous trip to the science museum. 
 
I find it truly amazing that our mind has the ability to create a sense of normal from completely abnormal situations.  Maybe this is why God called me to be a psychologist - to help others create this sense of normal and peace despite absolute levels of chaos. My emotions have stayed fairly steady this time as I have a frame of reference for my mission, my unit, and my team.  This is no longer an anxiety-provoking unknown.  Instead, this produces a normal level of response that this is another mission... another chapter in my job within the military. Even with that knowledge of this being another mission, that strong unexpected hug around my neck in the middle of church this last week brought tears to my eyes as we song my youngest son's favorite worship song.
 
While many things remain the same for what to expect, different challenges have also developed.  My boys are school age children now requiring me to share them during the days with their teachers.  I want to hoard the time I have left and not share these little guys with anyone, not even school, and yet, as a parent I must stress the importance of education.  The weekends seem all too short as we try to pack in as much together time as possible.  I am absent for different holidays as well as not located in any particular area for things like Mother's Day and Father's Day.  I cannot send items home to those in the states, it is too early to shop, and the boys cannot keep a secret that long to allow them to engage in traditional making of gifts for Father's Day or even shopping.  I have had to think a little farther outside the box and request unusual assistance from those around us.  I am entrusting others to do my traditional tasks such as making birthday cakes and helping shop for presents. 
 
My boys are leaning on others beside their Mom to continue to grow.  That may be one of the hardest aspects of heading overseas at this time in their life.  Dad does a great job, but we are opposite.  As a united parenthood, they receive two sides of the relationship to help them grow.  Friends and family can help; however, it is not what I would tell them necessarily or how I may approach a situation.  I find myself imparting as much knowledge as I can now to ensure they try to remember that in the future since I cannot be a constant reminder while I am overseas.  I have to trust that God knows what plans he has for me and for the boys.

Countdown to delay

The countdown had commenced as I was looking toward the finish line for deployment.  I had homecoming events planned to include making a birthday cake for my oldest just a few days late, a romantic night out with my husband, and of course, just being able to hold my baby boy in my arms again.  I packed my bags and left out only those items needed to maintain daily functioning here as I awaited my replacement so I could leave with my team.  Until the phone rang with my commander on the other end.

I had been warned prior to Easter that I might be extended by a week or two until my replacement could arrive.  I would miss the awards ceremony, and I would leave alone, but it would not be a long amount of time.  While that was difficult to hear, it still allowed me the opportunity to be home around Father’s Day.  I wanted to leave with my team, but if I had to stay, there were worst case scenarios.  My commander’s final words were, “I’m fighting for you not to have to stay.”  

The phone stayed silent and no further word was given until almost a month after that first phone call.  The first words from her mouth were, “If you had to stay, would you volunteer to extend?”  I wanted to say, “Are you actually listening to yourself?”  I was able to maintain military bearing enough to repeat back the question word for word to ask if that was what she meant.   My two weeks have turned into an unknown time frame and a whole new set of scenarios.  My team, who I have been blessed to work with, will leave and I start again with a whole new set of individuals.   My position and location are unknowns…. All that is known is that I am not coming home on time and that I will be asked to extend voluntarily again when the new commander assumes command.  I am now at the mercy of “the needs of the Army.”

My team is preparing to go.  I am in charge, so I get to prepare their paperwork for redeployment.  Screenings occur to help each individual as they return to their home station.  I watch feeling like part of the team and yet an outsider looking in.  When their final return date was announced, there was a wave of sadness that settled in.  I know they are going home and that I must stay.  That date would eventually come, and somehow, the knowledge of the finality of that date makes the process real… almost tangible.  I am remaining behind and I will say goodbye to my team.  The same team who helped me through this process and I with them.  Together, we were able to revitalize this mission and keep our little clinic going in some of the most adverse situations.  They have become my family.  I know they must leave as their time has ended, but that still does not mean that I will not miss them. 

In the Army, we all have a mission to complete on paper.  It is the basic tasks for the appointed position.  I have completed my paper mission.  I ran my 100 miles that I set as a goal for myself before my team went back.  I completed my other personal goals as well, but apparently there is still more work to be done in this city and my higher mission is not yet achieved.  God has His own time frame and He has a plan for me. 

Mission at Home

As Soldiers, we embark on a great journey.  We leave to accomplish a mission in an unknown environment.  Each day feels much like Bill Murray's never ending week from Ground Hog's Day and yet it provides enough change to feel fulfilling (or exhausting) at the end.  Prior to leaving I was told that it deployment equaled long days and short weeks as one muddles through the inevitable process. As married Soldiers, we are issued a new title while deployed: geographic bachelor.  We are allowed to attend programs sponsored by BOSS (Better Opportunities for Single Soldiers) and spend much of our time thinking about our spouses.  Deployments are hard on anyone, but I do believe the spouses have the hardest job of all.

Spouses have a much different challenge.  They are required to stay in the same environment that offers those familiar cues of a loved one being gone.  The second half of a bed is empty; a chair is open at the dinner table.  Chores and responsibilities are left behind for the other to assume. Everything must be done to accomplish the mission at home as well as supporting the Soldier down range with thoughts, emails, conversations and of course care packages to let them know you are thinking about him/her.  Many people think this is just like their loved one being on an extended business trip, which is very different than having someone deployed.

My husband has taken all of this in stride.  He has adapted his ability to cook and multi-task with two small children.  He has learned to take time out for himself and still is able to send an email (or a few) a day to remind me that he's thinking about me.  And I do the same.  We attempt to fill our spare time with moments of togetherness despite our distance of nearly 9,000 miles.  That distance is made shorter with the sound of laughter on the phone as another stressor or dilemma is discussed together.  It is conveyed with the reports of children's activities at home.  Little notes to of "good morning" to one as the other is preparing for bed.  It can even be shared through a movie that is watched together on our "date" as we discuss the movie plot through instant messaging and chatting.  I am in an area that does not allow me the opportunity to Skype due to bandwidth issues, but we at least have the ability to type out a message, call home at least once a week if not more, and just share a little bit of our time together despite the distance.  Ultimately, a military marriage takes creativity, patience, and understanding for the limitless amount of FRAGOs (changes) that occur in any given time.  It is not easy, but it will weather many things as long as there is the desire to complete both missions: at home and abroad.

"I'm not entertaining any more questions for 50 minutes!"

“Ma’am, what time is the event for the fire fighters?”  “Ma’am, we’ve got someone here asking about the ECU.”  "Ma'am, when do you want to schedule . . . " “Ma’am, how are we handling accountability versus confidentiality?”  “Ma’am, who’s doing the briefing at 1400?”  "Ma'am, are you listening to this conversation?  What do you think we need to do about it?"  

That's just a five minute look into my morning. Our morning meeting sets the tone for priority of business and my expectations for everyone.  After putting out the instructions, there is still more that I need to do.  It's incredible!  I never thought there would be so much to have to answer in one day about little things.  And then comes the practical joking and bantering that sounds some days like children bickering with the eventual, "Ma'am... did you hear that?"  It's like hearing, "MOM!!!  He took my truck!"  

Stress levels have been high with a really high OPTEMPO right now, so asking me to make little decisions actually forced the words out of my mouth, "I am not making another decision for 50 minutes... fight it out amongst yourselves or wait until I am entertaining questions again."  That so sounded like my Mom coming out of my mouth.  I really thought I had a few more years before I started to utter those dreaded phrases that we all know happens.  My boys will have already had me practice these skills on others much older than them.  I've heard parents wish they would have learned some of the lessons for their teenagers sooner so they could try it again.  I wonder if this counts as on-the-job-training in parenthood?

Experiencing What You "Need" the Most

It has often been said that the experiences you get are what you often need the most.  There may be a client that walks into your office with a problem that you had been struggling with for a while and finally find resolution while working with them.  Or you may have a difficult encounter that breaks you out of your everyday rut.  Deployment is no different.

I spent the last two and a half years in a training position.  My schedule was dictated for me.  My position was created.  I was a literal work-horse and due to being rated quarterly and having so many things dependent on how nicely I played with others, there was little room to speak up for anything.  I learned for two years to literally bend over and take it.  Deployment has given me that room to get outside that realm of just accepting what was proposed.

My clinic is working under my license; therefore, I make the decisions to what people are allowed to do and how much room they have to grow based on their skill level.  Unlike what I had been through in the past two years, I wanted to leave a very open line of communication with my techs to make sure they can see where I am coming from and asking them to do.  I have stated multiple times that I trust them, but if they feel something is over their head, please tell me and I will take the patient.  I want to model how I supervise from the supervisors that made the most impact on my training; not the ones I dreaded walking into supervision or did not want to staff a case due to the personality and attitude of the supervisor.

While I was an officer in my previous clinic, I was not in a true leadership position.  Being a leader for fellow captains is much different that being the officer in charge for the clinic.  I have learned so much since arriving that I never dreamed was possible.  I have developed a backbone so to speak, that has allowed me to really say what I expect to see happen.   I have been trained to be an officer through the ROTC program and throughout my time in the Army, but there was little room to use those skills.  Some cannot be taught, but just must be learned as time goes on.  I have been grateful to have two fantastic NCOICs (one here and one at my home station).  They are completely unaware, but each has helped me to develop into that role.  I can sit back and think about my last two years of training, and I knew walking into this environment that I was prepared to be a clinician in almost every setting (one scenario still threw me for a loop, but I knew who to contact for additional resources).  The best training I got did not happen until a few months before I left.  My NCOIC helped to show me exactly what I could expect from the 68Xs (behavioral health technicians) and what I could expect from my NCOIC.  In little ways, she was able to guide me toward that team approach with which I was unfamiliar.  I was used to doing all projects by myself, but she gently guided me to asking some of the techs around me to help.  I came here, and my NCOIC is picking up right where she left off.  He’s continuing to guide that path to form the command team. It’s already a small team for the clinic, but I now understand what is possible.   I know where my lane begins and ends and where his lane is as well.  I do believe the NCOs job is the hardest.  They are responsible for so much more than people give them create.  They look out for everyone below them and above them.  They make everything run, and anyone who does not give them credit for that is a fool!

I have also learned during this process how to stand up to those higher in rank than I am.  I have listened to multiple soldiers over the years tell me that they don’t really respect the higher ranking soldiers, they just see the rank.  I completely understand that right now.  I have always had good people in those higher positions.
Sometimes I wondered where they based their decisions, but I knew they made it to that rank for a reason.  Being deployed, I have learned that may not always be the case.  There are ways to stand up and say that what is proposed is not appropriate.  There are ways to hold one’s head up and keep driving on to fulfill the overall mission, not just the small momentary distraction.   It was not an easy lesson, but I learned that one quickly.  Everything must be learned quickly in this environment.

"Waiting Up"

I am the mother of a toddler and preschooler.  My typical worries include not letting them fall down the stairs, run in front of cars, and making sure they hold my hand when in public.  They may take a lot of energy from me, but for the most part, I can keep their little world safe.  I can make sure that the most dangerous items are out of reach and that I have insisted that they hold my hand and consequences occur to teach lessons.

In my deployed environment, I feel like the mother of teenagers. Those who are old enough to do their own thing, but still need to listen, check in their whereabouts, and call home to let me know they will be late.  Those little things mean all the difference.  When they are gone for longer than anticipated, I worry.  When they are late without any notice… I get irritated because I am worried.  When they are finally home, I’m relieved.  Normal worries would include parties, girls, drunk drivers, and other likely scenarios.  Here my thoughts are filled with other dangers, other possibilities.  I try to occupy myself with work or leisure items, until even those distractions do not allow me the opportunity to do something a bit different.  At home, I would be watching for headlights to pull into the drive or the sound of keys in the door.  Here, I'm listening to for the sound of a helicopter overhead as I anticipate their arrival.  I know they are armed and probably better trained than I am in some areas of soldiering, but that still does not decrease my level of worry until I hear that cheerful voice announcing their return.